I didn’t see it coming – literally.
Our first baby came on Christmas Eve. His labor was “spontaneous,” though I had obsessively done all I could to induce labor on my own. The last 6 weeks of my pregnancy were emotionally exhausting. I was over it. I had support from my prenatal swim class instructor and my OB was very aware of my emotional state, but I was still struggling. Drowning my emotional turmoil in Mexican food and Cokes, my water partially ruptured; hours later, we had our baby boy.
By day 5 postpartum, my reality looked like this: Don’t touch me; I’m fine. No, I’m not tired. No, I don’t know why I’m crying. Stop talking so much! And then, perhaps the scariest manifestation of my anxiety, I lost my vision. It started as an inability to look up, followed by the loss of my peripheral and finally culminated with temporary blindness. I never would have imagined that anxiety could make such a significant impact on the body’s physical ability to function. This was not the normal “baby blues.”
I was unable to express what I was experiencing to my husband. When I tried, I would struggle to catch my breath and would cry uncontrollably. He was so concerned, yet I didn’t know how to have him help me. He called the doctor and talked to her for me. Medication was prescribed. A few days later, I felt more in control of my breathing. The crying came less frequently and I had no vision issues. We stayed the course with medication, safely prescribed for a breastfeeding mother. I continued to fall deeply in love with my newborn and worked hard on leveling my emotions.
Looking back, I was anxious the whole pregnancy. I just knew I was pregnant the day he was conceived. Not being able to sleep seemed a natural side effect of pregnancy. Not being able to breathe seemed normal; the baby was squishing my insides. In hindsight, I was hyper. I was a deer in headlights. My eyes and forehead hurt constantly from not relaxing my face.
A few months later, I discovered I was pregnant again. I was almost to my 2nd trimester and hadn’t known it. Enter anxiety. My boys would be just 13 months apart. I just got myself ironed out; not again! I was grief stricken, but why would someone ever be upset they were pregnant? My OB monitored my mental health at each appointment. She suggested I see a therapist but when was I going to have time to do that? Not to mention, I wasn’t ready to unpack all my baggage. I had enough to worry about right now.
I began prenatal yoga which, miraculously, was a therapy session for me. This class really showcased how my anxiety impacted me the most: my breathing. Despite all my efforts, my shoulders would not relax, my chest would not open and I would be panting like a dog rather than using diaphragmatic breathing. When I could finally soften and breathe, I would weep. My instructor would lay hands on me and I’d emotionally break.
With baby number 2, my OB suggested an early induction. We had a plan in place for the delivery and a plan in place to care for my mental wellness after. WIth our first son, my husband, my support system, knew to look for depression or “baby blues”; but what I experienced caught us by surprise. Now we know we should have been ready for it due to my previous struggles with anxiety. Women with previous mental health issues are at a higher risk of developing perinatal mood or anxiety disorders during pregnancy or postpartum.
I’m still working on coping with my anxiety. I’m often asked “What are you anxious about?” I wish it were something or a scenario that made me anxious. My anxiety is chemical. Hormonal. Triggered by situational stress or not getting enough sleep. In my tool box, I have a daily prescription and a situational prescription as needed. I use diaphragmatic breathing exercises, oils, singing and exercise to regulate my breath. I value my sleep and stay as rested as possible for a mother of two toddler boys.
But most helpful has been learning my threshold; honoring my limits and asking myself if taking on more will compromise my mental wellbeing. So even though this is something I still work at, I am here to say that it does get better. You will get better. With the right support and tools, you can take the power back from your postpartum anxiety.
-Written by Heather Karazsia