I hate you. I hate you for SO many reasons. I hate you for creeping up on me at a time in my life that was supposed to be filled with joy. I hate the what-ifs and the images you played, re-played and then played again in my mind. I hate how you tried to convince me that I was capable of horrific, gut-wrenching things. I hate that you made me feel that it was best to avoid my children. I hate the way you berated me with intrusive thoughts each one more graphic and terrifying than the last. I hate that you made me want to avoid certain activities and places therefore depriving my kids of experiences they deserved to have. I hate that, because of you, I missed out on so much with my babies. But most of all, I hate that you told me that the only way they would be safe was without me.
I hate that no one even told me you existed. This fact made it so easy for you to convince me that there was something wrong with me…that I was some sort of monster that didn’t even deserve to be a mother. I hate the way you made me view myself. How you stripped me of what little self-compassion I had and made me feel worthless and unlovable.
I hate that you made me feel trapped…that you made me feel like a prisoner in my own mind. I hate that some days you made me wonder if I would ever be well. If there was any end to the agony I was in…if there was any other way out…
But that was before. Through treatment, medication and time, I’ve learned to see you less as an enemy and think of your more as a friend. Because, the reality is that, you’ve made it your mission to protect me, and those I love most. Despite the fact that your warning signals may misfire, I have learned to appreciate the motivation behind them. For your own good (and mine), I’ve learned to challenge you and your screams. I have practiced letting your alarm blare incessantly in my head, in an effort to show you that there’s no real need to be afraid. And in some odd way, I need to thank you. I need to thank you for showing me that I had strength I didn’t know I possessed. For allowing me to find courage to speak out and advocate for other moms who might have a friend like you. But please know that you can rest now. I’ve got this.
–Written by Alexis Bruce